I have some news to share. I am going to have a baby. I should really say – WE are going to have a baby: myself, my husband and our kids Lucas and Rowan. We are in this together. We are happy and hopeful yet totally anxious and worried all at the same time – for this is a pregnancy after loss. It was just over one year ago when my son Lachlan was delivered stillborn. Just four months before that I miscarried Lachlan’s twin. It’s pretty safe to say, that I have experienced a very traumatic pregnancy.

So here I am, just a few months away from welcoming a new member of our family and it still feels a little scary to say out loud. Sharing these images publicly feels even scarier. I was excited to collaborate with the wonderful Irina of Irina Fortey Photography after she approached me to be a part of her Missing Frame Series aimed at getting moms out from behind the lens and back in the photo. While I loved the idea of working with such a talented photographer and getting in front of the camera with my kids, I was also nervous because it was going to be the first photos of my growing baby bump.

Any woman who has experienced a pregnancy after loss will know how terrifying and isolating it can be. My children Lucas and Rowan were carried free of complications and worry. To me, an ultrasound was just an opportunity to get a cute photo of my baby. But after a twin pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage at 16 weeks and a stillbirth at 38 weeks, I can never again be blissfully unaware when it comes to pregnancy and infant loss.

Fortunately, this pregnancy has so far been healthy and uneventful BUT that doesn’t stop the anxiety from creeping in at every step along the way. There is no “safe zone” for me. Getting past that 14 week milestone meant nothing. Every ultrasound, every blood test, every routine appointment has been accompanied by tremendous stress as the worst case scenarios play out in my head. Every time I pass a milestone I think I might finally feel some major sense of relief, but in reality, I just find something new to worry about.

I have been reluctant to share my news, even when faced with an undeniably growing belly. I have been cautious with my heart. I have been slow to let myself get excited or hope too much, knowing how things can go so wrong. I also haven’t wanted to carry anyone else’s worries and hopes for me and my baby. The last thing I ever want, is to be an object of pity. But perhaps, what I have dreaded most of all is having people hear I’m pregnant and have them think, “oh good! This will make everything better” As if a new baby could wipe the memory of the child we’ve buried.

My husband and I waited a long time to tell Lucas and Rowan our news. They have been so greatly affected by the loss of their brother, that I am so scared of disappointing them with more heartbreak. After my 20 week ultrasound came back normal, along with all the genetic testing, we finally felt we should share the news. Seeing their excitement over the baby has finally allowed me to also acknowledge my own excitement. But admittedly, every time they speak about bringing our baby home I still find I have to hold my breath and say a silent prayer that actually happens.

I stumble on the frequent questions from strangers that accompany a pregnancy such as, “is this your first baby?” I find myself answering “no, it’s my fourth… I mean third,” depending on how much I feel like going into my story. Quite simply….it’s not a simple answer.

The fear that accompanies a pregnancy after loss has done nothing to stop me from loving this new baby. The constant karate kicks to my bladder and wild late night in utero dance parties, are impossible to ignore. As it turns out, grief and love co-exist in the same space in my heart.

When I opened my email inbox to view these photos for the first time, they brought tears to my eyes. I feel very grateful to have captured these memories. One day, I will be able to show them to this baby and share how I worked to be brave and let in love and hope despite my fears.

I will be here, holding my breath as we near closer to the due date, May 12th, Mother’s Day as fate would have it.