How Do You Prepare Yourself For the Loss of a Baby?

Some things in life cannot be fixed, they can only be carried.

I recently read this quote in the book Option B, by Sheryl Sandberg. It is something that has stuck with me during what I can only describe as the toughest 7 months of my life. Back in August I wrote a post about our heartbreaking miscarriage . I had been expecting twins when I found out that one of them had passed away at 16 weeks. At the time I thought that miscarriage would be the hardest thing my husband and I would have to face, but little did I know it was only the beginning.

Although I was initially reassured everything should continue as a normal pregnancy and birth for the remaining twin, that would not be the case. With every ultrasound and test, came more bad news. First it was a large blood clot, which meant I would have to restrict all of my activity, but then subsequent ultrasounds showed signs that something was very wrong with the remaining twin. Termination was an option provided to me but at more than 20 weeks along, with a very active, kicking baby in my belly, I just couldn’t bring myself to consider it. For the past three months I have had numerous tests and echocardiograms both here in Ottawa and at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto, only to have the outlook come back more and more grim.

As it stands now, I am 31 weeks pregnant and faced with the reality that I will deliver this baby only to have to say goodbye to them. We don’t know how much time, if any at all we will have with our baby. It could be minutes, hours or days, but our baby’s heart has not formed as it should, and in the end it will not be strong enough. We will lose our baby boy. It is hard for me to wrap my head around how only months ago I thought I would be bringing home two healthy babies, where now we know there won’t be any baby coming home with us.

Everything we are going through so often feels surreal. While inside, my baby boy is still growing and kicking me day and night. How could something be so wrong with him when he feels so strong? With every 3-D ultrasound I see a familiar face looking back at me – a mirror image of our two other children, Lucas and Rowan, reflected again in this new baby.

Yet, everyday I am reminded that the worst of our grief is yet to come. I try to smile when the waitress looks at my (huge) belly and says “congratulations”. I let the little kids at Lucas’ school feel my belly because they know there is a baby inside. The teachers at his school tell me I will have to bring the baby in when he arrives, but of course now I know that will never happen.

We haven’t yet told our kids. How does one prepare a four year old and a two year old for losing a baby brother? Lucas, especially is so sensitive and likes to frequently talk about plans for his new sibling. I know kids are resilient but I still worry about how hard this will be on them.

We have met with the palliative care team at Roger Neilson House here in Ottawa, and we are getting a better picture of what will happen next. The plan is to induce labour right after Christmas. I am facing a very long and hard next seven weeks of carrying this baby. I am so sad, as well as physically sore and uncomfortable. I just want the pregnancy part to be done. But, at the same time, our baby is safe while he is inside me. I keep him alive despite a failing heart, so how can I wish him out of me when that will only bring more pain?

I’m scared for everything that is still to come. I am scared to go through with delivery without the happy promise of a baby to make it all worth it. I am scared to have my milk come in, but no baby to nurse. I am so scared to have to bury a child.

I have always been a very positive person, and I worry that this experience will change me. I don’t want to be scared and sad. After two healthy pregnancies and babies, I now know what it is like to go into every ultrasound holding my breath and frightened for what it might reveal. I hope something good can come from all of this pain.  Perhaps it will make me a stronger person and mother, and this experience has certainly given me more empathy and understanding into some of the hardship that many women face.

Right now I am focused on trying to stay strong for my other two kids. Instead of worrying about a sad Christmas season, I am going to try and face this upcoming holiday with joy in my heart because this will be the only Christmas we will all spend together (even if our baby boy is still in my belly). When I read my kids Christmas stories, I will be reading to all three of them, and trying to cherish the limited time we have left with this baby.

11 COMMENTS

  1. April | 11th Nov 17

    You’re a very strong person. My heart goes out to you and your family
    Whatever shape it may take. Hugs Emily.

  2. Lindsay | 11th Nov 17

    Sending you so much love, Em

  3. Jordin | 11th Nov 17

    Your poor heart. I wish desperately that things were different.

    After burying our son there was a book sent to me called Tear Soup. It was a beautiful book in grief.

    Getting trauma counselling for the entire family has helped us. We hurt but are happier more often than not.

    Burying a child is horrible. I’m so sorry that you are joining this club.

  4. Danielle | 11th Nov 17

    While I can’t imagine your situation, I can relate to many of your fears. We lost our little man at 21 weeks. It was a very challenging, heart wrenching and painful experience in those moments. However, in the years that have passed the pain had been joined with hope and love. My daughter speaks often if her little brother and has taught her littler brother of his big brother. The comfort that our angel brings to them is something few could understand or appreciate.

    While life hasn’t been what was anticipated, it has proven to be filled with love, joy and opportunity. While I would have embraced the life that could have been, I won’t deny the gratitude for the lufe that is.

    Time may not heal, but it will provide perspective. You will find your way. Trust in the journey. Believe that you will love and find joy again.

  5. Liz | 11th Nov 17

    Oh Emily. My heart breaks for you and your wonderful family. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m thinking of you.

  6. Amanda | 11th Nov 17

    I can’t imagine the strength it takes to go through something like this. My heart is breaking for you and your family . Although I love your perspective on the time you have left with the little guy . You are an incredible mom xx

    • emilycordonier@gmail.com | 12th Nov 17

      Thank you for your kind words Amanda.

  7. Corina | 13th Nov 17

    this is sad. and challenging. and you are doing amazing. its ok to feel sad. I respect your choices not to tell your kids yet. But – i hope you dont mind my suggesting it – it might help them to get a small sense of the truth that (for example).. “…not all pregnancies go well, not all babies come out healthy. Bringing babies into the world is a big deal and its kinda risky. You never know what could happen…” i also hear how hard it is to be carrying this sadness and fear through your days. Whatever works for you in terms of how to deal with it is what is right!… being pregnant with a live baby who you know wont make it is the hardest thing i’ve lived through. You are an incredible mom from the sounds of it!

    • emilycordonier@gmail.com | 13th Nov 17

      Thank you for your kind words Corina. You’re absolutely right, and we will tell our kids closer to the time, and I think a counsellor will provide us with some tips on the best way to do it.

  8. Isabelle Duford | 25th Nov 17

    My heart really goes out to you Emily. I really admire how you’ll been able to put words to a situation/emotions that certainly goes beyond what words can describe. I’m not sure if you already know of this resource, but Mothercraft has a Postpartum support group that meets every Monday, 10-noon. It was a lifesaver for me – I also had to deal with grief during pregnancy and after, albeit not the loss of a child. The group is run by Susan Martensen and she is just fantastic. And the other women in the group are also fantastic. And while each situation is unique, a very common theme was loss during the time I attended. I know in some cases women start to attend group even before they deliver… might be worth checking out. Peer support can be so helpful.

    • emilycordonier@gmail.com | 29th Nov 17

      Thank You so much Isabelle. I didn’t know about the support group and I am interested in checking it out.

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